Well, its a new day, just a few hours away from yesterday. The nerves are still kinda in a downspin, but I can hang on.
I almost, or may have lost my job due to having a sick housekeeper. And one day, I may actually look for, find him, and go from there.
In 1995, that perverted housekeeper accused me of attacking him with a weapon. Truth? He came at me with a knife, and my best move was to defend myself; so, I took the knife away from him and then locked him in the basement so that I could figure out what to do next. Well, he called the police, they came on site and guess who they took away? That day still haunts my life to this day, leaving a remnant of anger, hate, and a desire for extreme vengeance. I wish him dead, and I would like to be the agent of his demise. There! I have said it.
Now, so that I can move on and get out from under the shadow of that dreadful situation, I am looking to see what I have done wrong since then. NO, I do not have any grand desire to forgive that bastard. Yes, I would like to find him and hurt him. Yes, I am still extremely angry when I think about those lost 12 hours of my life. And do know this, I am not asking God to help me forgive him. I do not have that desire and I have no desire to be a 'heroic' christian.
Where am I now? Well, I don't know right now. I guess I need to deal with Jesus so that I can move into some other better sort of space emotionally and spiritually. This is all in the hands of God. If it were in mine, I don't think the outcome would be one of blessing. And I am not in a place where I can ask God to help me move on.